So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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