Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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