Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
