My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
