Cold hands, warm shart.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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