why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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