My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
