Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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