Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
