Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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