does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
