I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
