My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize