connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize