K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
