i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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