would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She needs sedatives and a leash
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
