I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
