so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
