By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
