I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This baby is an asshole
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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