I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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