Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
