i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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