I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
