I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
