she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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