i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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