barbara walters just said penis...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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