what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
