i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
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