Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
