Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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