girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
