I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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