i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize