Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
why is half of my head shaved?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
