I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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