I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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