hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize