He uses pillows to masturbate.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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