My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
