Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i think i have two assholes
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
