I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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