were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
