I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
