Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
