This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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