Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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