I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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