my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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