guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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