The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
BRING THE BAGELS
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
