You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
