So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
