I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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