do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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